Having comfortably vanquished the former Pop Idol stud Rik Waller by a score of 10-3 last time out, Dom Kureen this week takes on the psychic, oft’ psychotic might of Mystic Meg, a former National Lottery show staple – surely the most qualified predictor of the season.
Southampton vs Tottenham Hotspur
Even without Fraser Forster in the net Saints are just about keeping things ticking along in their pursuit of a Europa League berth, and their home comforts should see them through to a narrow victory against a Spurs team for whom 30-goal Harry Kane continues to flourish.
I see the number one playing a large part here, why is there a puddle under my seat? Tottenham have players who can bewilder and bewitch in the same breath, while their more southerly counterparts are punching above their weight. A tie seems apt, but wait – there’s a building burning nearby, I see humans and a dog… But this is about football, so I’ll quickly erase that image.
Burnley vs Leicester City
Burnley are struggling to trouble the scorers, with biggest fish Danny Ings’ goal drought leaving them relying on the likes of Ashley Barnes for goals from midfield. Leicester’s own midfield dynamo, Esteban Cambiasso, has really stepped up in recent weeks, and a run of three successive victories has given the Foxes hope – they’ll continue to prosper on Saturday.
Oh dear, I can envision fans falling asleep as two nervous sets of players see out a stalemate. The colour red shall be flashed on two occasions to break the malaise a little, but it will be a desperate afternoon which shall do little for either team.
Crystal Palace vs Hull City
Hull are one of my tips for relegation. With a horrible run-in and miserable recent form, Steve Bruce’s Tigers cut an increasingly impotent figure. Jelavic has chipped in with 9 league goals, but the likes of Abel Hernandez have “expensive flop” written all over them. Pardew’s Palace suffered a setback at the hands of West Brom last weekend, but will return to form here.
Oh my goodness, I just saw who shot Phil Mitchell back in 1998! I’m not sure if it was a YouTube repeat or a delayed message from my crystal ball; I’m an insomniac in the late stages of dementia, so I will go for 3-2 to the second team you said.
Newcastle United vs Swansea City
Oh my sugary lemons, Newcastle are a club in turmoil. Six defeats on the trot at the inept hands of John Carver, an owner selling the best players and refusing to invest, fans staying away, and exaggerated attendances. The Toon might just scrape a valuable point to keep their heads above the parapet, especially if Siem De Jong returns.
One Northern English squad, one from Wales. I see a lot of empty seats, a podgy northern man pretending to be a manager on the side-lines, and a Swansea team without a fit recognised striker notching 5 against their troubled opponents. I also see that the price of milk has risen to 66p in my local supermarket, disgusting.
Queens Park Rangers vs West Ham United
QPR have shown signs of life in recent weeks, particularly in their 4-1 romp at West Brom, and are relying on Charlie Austin to continue his white-hot form. The Hammers have had their flip-flops on for months now, with calls for manager Sam Allardyce’s head. It’s no surprise as his team are currently rudderless, having been among the top 4 during December.
I may sound like a lout when I say this, but come on yooooo Hammmas!!! We won the World Cup. 2-2 the prediction may be, but big Sam’s pearly street Gods will gain 52% possession. I see a 6 foot 5 inch Geordie donkey with a terrible ponytail being crocked in the stands as usual… no that can’t be right – Liverpool paid £36m and West Ham £17m for him? Damn crystal ball’s broken again.
Stoke City vs Sunderland
The disturbing news for Sunderland is that star player and former England winger, Adam Johnson, has been charged with grooming an underage school girl for sex. Even Black Cats fans must surely condemn the player for what amounts to rape. The game itself will be played under a dark cloud, with in-form Stoke ensuring that the Mackems lurch deeper into the relegation mire.
Disgusting scenes often perversely act as a catalyst for siege mentality, this will be the case with Sunderland. A terrible team now void of their best player, the poor relations of the North-East will smash and grab their way to victory over an impressive Stoke team, as former stable mates Peter Crouch and Jermain Defoe go head-to-head for the first time in years.
West Bromwich Albion vs Liverpool
Liverpool’s away form is patchy to say the least. The result of this one will ultimately depend on which version of the Reds turn up to the Hawthorns. West Brom’s worrying sequence of defeats finally came to an end at Selhurst Park last weekend, with their shock win over Crystal Palace taking them to 36 points, probably just one or two short of safety.
I see trees of green, red roses too. The red roses shall arrive for an Oscar worthy display from the travellers, who will arrive in their caravans and depart in sports cars that they stole from this most aesthetically appealing area of the Midlands. Brom have a new manager, and I predict that they will have blueprints for a new Tesco Express approved within the next 4 months.
Man City vs Aston Villa
City have had a peculiar and disappointing season. Their summer transfer signings have fallen flat, particularly the £32m acquisition of Mangala, a leaden footed central defender who should retire and become a WWE wrestler. Villa’s progress to the FA Cup final gave their long suffering fans something to cherish from a wretched season, and the return to form of star striker Christian Benteke will see them safe with something to spare.
Oh what’s this? A bunch of oiks who celebrate victory as if they’ve just spent the night with Brooke Shields, and defeats by grumbling into their pillows – oh it must be an Aston Villa match! A big Belgian will score two by shrugging off an out of form Belgian defender as the away fans gush freely into their underpants, but this is between two English teams… That seems all kinds of wrong.
Everton v Manchester United
Everton are on a roll; with all fears of relegation out of the way they can now focus on winning the Europa League, for which they would be rewarded with a Champions League spot. Taking a more conventional method of qualification for the elite club comp are Man United, who were very unfortunate to lose 1-0 at Stamford Bridge last time out. With Rooney, Mata and Herrera in scintillating form and Toffees minds elsewhere this has a whiff of away win.
I am a lady of rich tastes – I drink sparkling camel milk, I wash my hair with pumpkin dust, and I predict 4-2 home wins. That is the power of Meg.
Arsenal vs Chelsea
Last weekend was an excellent one for both sides; Chelsea all but sewed up the league by sneaking victory over Manchester United, while Arsenal qualified for the FA Cup final via an extra time success over Reading. With Alexis Sanchez back to his best Arsenal will fancy their chances of turning over the champions-elect.
Oh deary me, horses and women? Oh gosh that’s an impressive girth – like my fourth husband or Jeremy Beadle’s special hand (bless his soul.) The game’s highlight shall be a 72 year-old mystic lady streaking across the field with her bosoms flapping in the wind like out of control beagle ears – thank you for the ticket Mr Terry, and thank you for last night!
Another good result for the home team means that Dom leapfrogs Damian Clark for a spot in the top four, with Rik Waller flaccidly drooping at the foot of the table, Kureen in the process taking an overall lead of 59-54 against guest pundits.