Premier Predictions: Week 8.

Last time out Dom comfortably overcame the might of former UK Gladiator Nightshade, winning by a personal high 10 points to 5. This time he takes on the wit and wisdom of ex-Pop Idol Rik Waller, hoping to make it back-to-back victories.

Rik Waller

*A correct outcome gains one point, an exact result three points. All games kick off at 3pm on Saturday 14th March unless stated.

Crystal Palace vs Queens Park Rangers
Kick-off: 12.45, Saturday

Bobby Zamora

Dom: 2-0
Alan Pardew must be on cloud nine; a few months ago he was being booed by his own fans as Newcastle United manager, now his name is sung from the Selhurst Park terraces, and with good reason. Pards has revitalised his old team, and they’ll slam another nail into the QPR coffin this afternoon.

Rik: 1-1
Hulk Hogan! Now that I have your attention I have a gig next month in collaboration with an Isle of Wight artist called Jonty not Bonty (his real name is Jonty Chodeflap, hence the change!) – with half a dozen people now tolerating his existence, and my three supporters “livin’ it large” we hope to at least account for five of the seats in the Dog and Duck pub in Fratton this time without getting heckled off the stage before we get to our third ballad!

Arsenal vs West Ham United

Dom: 3-1
The Hammers have reverted to last season’s tactics of drilling the ball long at every opportunity, this despite Andy Carroll once again being on the sidelines. Big Sam looks like he’s out of ideas, just as Arsenal’s league form appears to be gaining consistency – wrong time, wrong place for The Irons.

Rik: 10-2
During my last set of night terrors, Nasty Nigel seemed to be barking “ten two, ten two” at me, in hindsight it may have been Auntie Joan leaving a message about the time, oh wait wasn’t I supposed to scrub her shoulders in the tub around that time? Never mind, I’m stuck with the prediction now – just my luck.

Leicester City vs Hull City

Hull City

Dom: 2-2
A draw doesn’t really help either of these basement dwellers, but seems the logical result. The Foxes have played quite well recently, just lacking bite in the final third. Hull are hit and miss; a frustrating 90 minutes at the King Power Stadium will encapsulate their season.

Rik: Abandoned (Bomb Threat.)
All my life I was told what I can’t do; “You can’t sell your teeth to the Science Museum in London Rik”… “You can’t wear a cape to the Job Centre”…  Well screw you mother, I will go for a 6-1 win for the Lancashire Hot Pots, either that or I’ll call in a bomb threat, do we get extra points for that?

Sunderland vs Aston Villa

Dom: 0-1
Spare a thought for the supporters of these two sides, who have been subjected to the ugliest football in the division. Worse still, Black Cats star man Adam Johnson was recently arrested on charges of sex with a minor, meaning he could miss a chunk of games even if found innocent, something that would spell disaster for the Mackems.

Rik: 1-0
With Benteke and Johnson probably sitting this one out both sides are without their main sources of creativity, or at least that’s what I read on Ceefax. Benteke is one funny name though, doesn’t sound like he’s from Aston at all, so come on Sunders.

West Bromwich Albion vs Stoke City

Dom: 2-1
A last gasp defeat to bitter rivals Aston Villa in their previous league encounter dampened some of the enthusiasm surrounding Tony Pulis’ appointment and subsequent upturn in fortunes. No problem, the Baggies will return to winning ways against Stoke, virtually guaranteeing safety in the process.

Rik: 2-5
Stoke have found a second wind lately, I thought I’d found a second wind with the old singing lark recently, but it was just a very tuneful burp. Stokers to win in some good style – go the young’uns!

Burnley vs Manchester City
Saturday, 17.30

Dom: 1-3
Manchester City’s title aspirations are surely dwindling; Chelsea will open up an 8-point lead if they win their game in hand. Burnley are still in the midst of a relegation scrap, with their small squad beginning to wilt in recent weeks. City should romp home.

Rik: 4-0
Man City are getting what they deserve. As I once told Simon Cowell; money can’t buy you everything, certainly not class anyway. City are going to get trounced! Let us make it trend: #cityisbadinfootballl!

Chelsea vs Southampton
Sunday, 13.30

John Terry

Dom: 3-1
The Blues will be gagging to put things right after their embarrassing Champions League exit at the hands of Paris Saint Germain on Wednesday, where their players acted like infants to get Zlatan Ibrahimovic sent off. Saints’ form is hit and miss at the moment, so despite their excellent league position they’ll struggle at Stamford Bridge.

Rik: 1-0
I used to know a lad from Southampton, Dave something. Anyway very funny story about Dave; so Dave owned a bicycle and he forgot to tie it up and someone did away with it. The sad thing is that Dave was never the same after that, never really spoke much and always sitting in golf course bunkers with his middle fingers raised defiantly. Funny how everyone knows a Dave right?!

Everton vs Newcastle United
Sunday, 16.00

Dom: 2-0
Everton’s Europa League exertions on Thursday may have offered a pleasant distraction, but their domestic form is cause for concern, with the Toffees sitting only six points above the drop zone. Newcastle have given up on their season (again) and with a dozen injuries and Papiss Cisse’s lengthy ban to boot it’s hard to see where the goals will come from.

Rik: 0-0-1?
0-0 looks like a shocked face when you write it! Or maybe something else like ring doughnuts (num num!) I read the form guide and these two teams are not so good, so no goals for the two teams and maybe just the one for the ball boys or some American tourists. One lump or two? 0-0-1.

Manchester United vs Tottenham Hotspur
Sunday, 16.00

Harry Kane Adebayor

Dom: 2-2
I’m not convinced that either side has a defence worthy of Champions League football, but both possess talented attackers. Spurs’ Harry Kane in particular is fresh from two consecutive player of the month awards. Kane will score again, but Rooney’s due a couple.

Rik: 0-0 5-6
I’m torn between 0-0 and 5-6, they both seem like the obvious outcome when you add up corner kicks and divide them by numbers. Ok, my therapist said be decisive: 5-6. Linekar with 2 and Gazza to cry tears of joy again. As for Cantona, let’s just hope he doesn’t punch all of the fans again!

Swansea vs Liverpool
Monday, 20.00

Dom: 1-2
Swansea’s home form has been decent this term and Liverpool have lost a few away, but where The Reds appear to be getting stronger with each league match, their Welsh counterparts are just bubbling along contentedly in mid-table, and will have no answer to Raheem Sterling’s pace and trickery.

Rik: 3-0 for Anne
Swans in the sea or Liver in a pool? It all sounds eerily familiar to a wonderful meal I had under the stars one evening – my Tinder date ‘Anne’ didn’t show up, but funnily enough there was another Anne with exactly the same face, height, blood type (O Negative, as in “Oh she’s so negative!) and whose phone’s screen saver was the same photo-shopped profile pic I’d used on the app (Jared Leto’s face with Jared Leto’s body and my hair.) 3-0 it is, but only for for Anne.

The Premier Predictions league table is still led by DJ Rees. Dom’s win last time means that he goes level with Damian Clark, as Nightshade brings up the rear.

1. DJ Rees: 11 Points

2. Just Mike: 9

3. True Geordie: 8

4= Damian Clark: 7

4= Dom Kureen: 7 (average)

6. Kelvin West: 6

7. Jonathan O’Shea: 5

8. Nightshade: 5

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Written by Dom Kureen

As a young rapscallion stranded on an Island, my time is split between writing, performing spoken word, wrestling alligators and delivering uplifting pep talks to hairdressers before they prune me. I meditate and wash daily when possible.

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