Potato-faced American gossip blogger Perez Hilton dances in front of a camera, adorned in hot pants rapidly getting eating by the crack of his posterior, whilst provocatively rubbing his nipples as if he’s performing some kind of depraved mating dance for the viewers at home.
Katie Hopkins can barely mask her disdain (neither does she attempt to), displaying an impressive array of candid expressions, as others giggle, tut, sigh and have ostensible breakdowns in perfect symphony, like toddlers seeking constant attention and validation.
This is Celebrity Big Brother UK 2015, and the producers have somehow managed to increase the already excruciating levels of disgusting their previous editions revelled in.
While Hilton can be described as a self-aggrandizing bore who is merrily cast as a pantomime villain, the likes of Patsy Kensit and Keith Chegwin have attempted to steer clear of the eye of the storm, usually found snoozing the day away in between reluctant task participation and lethargically trotted out rhetoric.
The fans outside the studio boo and hiss, chanting obscenities and urging Bruv to “get Perez/Nadia/Patsy out.”
A combustible group of house mates have been deliberately thrown together for the sake of good television, and while there is some amusement in certain scenes, it soon becomes a tad overbearing, with Hilton’s shrill voice about as appealing as someone strangling a cat whilst simultaneously running its claws down a chalk board… or listening a Kerry Katona track… or sharing oxygen with Kerry Katona.
It’s not all bad news though, Katie Hopkins appears to have turned the tide, with her biting honesty and lust for confrontation a rare treat that’s flipped boos to cheers in the space of a few weeks.
Puerto Rican model Cami Li also has her moments, with her in your face vernacular, effortless put downs and gargantuan mammaries an imposing combination for her rivals.
For the likes of Kavana (a singer apparently) this might have seemed like an opportunity to reignite a moribund career, instead he has been this season’s vanilla, bringing little to the table other than an alcohol-fuelled rant against poor old Cheggers.
Callum Best has provided a bit of eye candy for female viewers and comes across as an affable enough chap, albeit with a thimble full of his more famous father George’s charisma.
Who will benefit in the aftermath?
Katie Hopkins has shown some cutting, dry humour and the audience have taken to her brutal honesty, she was desperate for fame, and will probably find herself promoted from D-List to C-List after the show.
Michelle Visage has purportedly blazed a trail for gay people across the globe (hasn’t the same trail been blazed already?) She’s come across as a strong-willed and honest individual in the process, earning plaudits from the show’s viewers along the way.
Cami Li has gone from being that bloke from The Only Way Is Essex‘s other half, to a potential bona fide star in her own right, she’ll have plenty of magazine/tabloid offers when she leaves the house.
Perez Hilton, loathe him or loathe him a little less, he has made an impact on the UK audience and spread awareness of his brand. Very much an advocate the ‘any publicity is good publicity’ ethos.
The rest? No great shakes among them, with a couple of slippery fingered fellas kicked to the curb in the first few days; one for sexist remarks, the other for pulling a woman’s boobs out of her dressing gown.
A bizarre, fruity and somewhat addictive show, any one of these lunatics could be crowned champion. Hopkins would complete a full circle turn if she gained acceptance from a large section of the British public, but she’s bound to have a slip of the tongue at some point during the final week, and alienate northerners, people named Gary, or whoever she takes a dislike to next.
And what of the series’ most notable name, Katie Price? For those who say she isn’t air head: she’s an airhead on this evidence. In the spirit of a vulgar series and the words of David Brent from ‘The Office’: “Just a (£22m) pair of tits.”