Tag Archives: Round

Premier Predictions: Round 10

Meg was certainly mystical in round 9, ending my two-match winning streak with a narrow 8-7 victory. This time I’m taking on one of the Midlands’ hottest young acting talents, and long-time suffering West Brom fan Dave Towns!

*All matches kick off at 15.00 on Saturday, May 2nd unless stated.

Leicester City vs Newcastle United
12.45, Saturday


Dom: 3-0
How different the landscape is from just over a month ago. Back then Leicester languished a full 17 points beneath Newcastle, but with a win here they would close the gap to just one, inflicting an eighth successive defeat on their fellow basement dwellers. That’s what will happen, as victory will see Foxes gaffer Nigel Pearson refrain from all talk of ostriches.

Les FerdinandDave: 3-0
Newcastle have been dragged into a relegation dogfight since Alan Pardew ditched the club to join the more ambitious Crystal Palace. Leicester manager Nigel Pearson went on an ostrich related rant during the press conference after his side’s 3-1 mid-week loss at Chelsea, but he’ll have more to smile about this time.

Aston Villa vs Everton

Dom: 3-2
Tim Sherwood has given Villa players and fans their belief back. Suddenly the erstwhile out of sorts Christian Benteke is once again a force to be reckoned with. Everton have gone on a blazing run of form recently, but are in mid-table limbo with Europa League ambitions, thus the Villains should prevail.

Paul McGrath

Dave: 2-0
Everton are already getting the sun cream out, whereas Villa are into squeaky-bum time. It’s now or never for Tim Sherwood’s improving side, and I can see Everton obliging by rolling over.

Liverpool vs Queens Park Rangers

Dom: 3-1
Brendan Rodgers has received plenty of flak for failing to build on last season’s success. Inflated transfer fees saw the £65m Luis Suarez windfall spent on the likes of Dejan Lovren and Mario Balotelli. Terrible travellers QPR are seemingly resigned to relegation.

Former Liverpool Football Club and Engla

Dave 1-2
This really is last chance saloon for The Hoops. Lose at the weekend and they might as well start planning for life in the Championship. Liverpool are dragging themselves over the finishing line like a dog with no hind legs, so don’t be surprised when Rangers take the points.

Sunderland vs Southampton

Dom: 1-1
Dick Advocaat’s impact on Sunderland has been negligible, despite yet another Tyne-Wear derby success. When 82 year-old Jermain Defoe, and (alleged) child molester Adam Johnson are your best players you’re in trouble. Saints have been brilliant all season, but the Mackems’ desperation will earn them a precious point.

Marian Pahars

Dave: 0-2
Southampton are playing with pride and remain in contention for a Europa League spot. Sunderland seem to be excited by the prospect of hosting Bristol City next season, a loss here could see them cut adrift of safety.

Swansea City vs Stoke City

Dom: 1-2
Swansea have reached a record 50 Premier League points in another excellent season, but Stoke have really impressed me this term, with Mark Hughes getting the best from a host of previously inconsistent players – the future is bright at the Britannia stadium.

Roberto Martinez

Dave: 0-0
This is the game that Tony Cottee will be watching for Sky Sports, and the former West Ham goal-sniffer is in for a long afternoon, with nothing set to happen in this for 90 minutes..other than the ref possibly dying from boredom.

West Ham United vs Burnley

Dom: 1-1
Burnley’s season has fizzled out, with Danny Ings’ dry spell seemingly consigning them to playing their football next season in the second tier, although the out of contract forward will have no trouble finding a new club. West Ham have similarly fallen off a cliff in recent months, expect a dissatisfying point apiece.

Leicester City programme Rio Ferdinand Steve Claridge

Dave: 0-1
Much like the Swansea/Stoke match this has snooze-fest written all over it… but a caveat will arrive when James Collins nets a blinding own goal in the 80th minute to provide three precious points for the Clarets!

Hull City vs Arsenal

Dom: 2-2
Two teams in decent form meet at the KC Stadium, and a point will be satisfying enough for both. Ultimately Hull won’t be relegated and Arsenal will easily qualify for the Champions League.

Thierry Henry sticker

Dave: 1-3
Hull’s good run is set to come to an end. Arsene Wenger will wear a massive coat and not notice anything apart from the penalty claim that the ref (correctly) turns down.

Manchester United vs West Brom
Saturday, 17.30

Dom: 3-1
United will be a force again next season, with such a vibrant second half to their campaign confirming that Van Gaal was certainly a shrewd appointment. West Brom are all but safe, so this loss won’t be of great consequence to their season.

William Prunier

Dave: 3-0
I never bet on West Brom, they always prove me wrong. Except this time, probably. Man United to come out of the blocks quickly and Pulis to have no plan B.

Chelsea vs Crystal Palace
Sunday, 13.30

Dom: 2-1
Chelsea have ground out some important results in recent weeks, a trait that looks set to continue with a narrow victory against Palace. With so many wild card players, the visitors are always good for a goal, although newly crowned PFA player of the year Eden Hazard should sparkle in the face of lumbering opposition defenders.

Dimitri Kharine

Dave: 2-0
Chelsea will seal the Premiership title at Stamford Bridge. The champagne will be flowing by half time and no-one will realise that make-weights Crystal Palace are even there.

Tottenham Hotspur vs Manchester City
Sunday, 16.00

Dom: 1-1
It’s a strangely transitional phase for both of these teams; Spurs have never fully reached their potential since selling Gareth Bale, while City overspent on mediocre players in the summer, and the likes of Toure and Kompany seem to be on the decline. A draw will sum up where they’re at.

Spurs

Dave: 1-4
Spurs tend to struggle against the top teams, particularly Manchester City. Despite Manuel Pellegrini clearly being on his way out, the visitors will have a field day against Tottenham’s high line, with Eric Dier in particular exposed.

Mystic Meg’s victory last weekend sees her slot into equal third in the Premier Predictions table, Kureen still leads guest pundits 66-62, with only a few weeks of the season remaining.

1. DJ Rees: 11 Points

2. Just Mike: 9

3= True Geordie: 8

3= Mystic Meg: 8

5. Dom Kureen: 7.33 (average)

6. Damian Clark: 7

7. Kelvin West: 6

8. Jonathan O’Shea: 5

9. Nightshade: 5

10. Rik Waller: 3

Written by Dom Kureen

As a young rapscallion stranded on an Island, my time is split between writing, performing spoken word, wrestling alligators and delivering uplifting pep talks to hairdressers before they prune me. I meditate and wash daily when possible.

Premier Predictions: Round 9.

Having comfortably vanquished the former Pop Idol stud Rik Waller by a score of 10-3 last time out, Dom Kureen this week takes on the psychic, oft’ psychotic might of Mystic Meg, a former National Lottery show staple – surely the most qualified predictor of the season.

Mystic Meg
*All matches kick off at 15.00 on Saturday 25th April unless stated otherwise.

Southampton vs Tottenham Hotspur
Saturday, 12.45

Dom: 2-1
Even without Fraser Forster in the net Saints are just about keeping things ticking along in their pursuit of a Europa League berth, and their home comforts should see them through to a narrow victory against a Spurs team for whom 30-goal Harry Kane continues to flourish.

Meg: 1-1
I see the number one playing a large part here, why is there a puddle under my seat? Tottenham have players who can bewilder and bewitch in the same breath, while their more southerly counterparts are punching above their weight. A tie seems apt, but wait – there’s a building burning nearby, I see humans and a dog… But this is about football, so I’ll quickly erase that image.

Burnley vs Leicester City

Leicester City

Dom: 1-2
Burnley are struggling to trouble the scorers, with biggest fish Danny Ings’ goal drought leaving them relying on the likes of Ashley Barnes for goals from midfield. Leicester’s own midfield dynamo, Esteban Cambiasso, has really stepped up in recent weeks, and a run of three successive victories has given the Foxes hope – they’ll continue to prosper on Saturday.

Meg: 0-0
Oh dear, I can envision fans falling asleep as two nervous sets of players see out a stalemate. The colour red shall be flashed on two occasions to break the malaise a little, but it will be a desperate afternoon which shall do little for either team.

Crystal Palace vs Hull City

Dom: 2-0
Hull are one of my tips for relegation. With a horrible run-in and miserable recent form, Steve Bruce’s Tigers cut an increasingly impotent figure. Jelavic has chipped in with 9 league goals, but the likes of Abel Hernandez have “expensive flop” written all over them. Pardew’s Palace suffered a setback at the hands of West Brom last weekend, but will return to form here.

Meg: 2-3
Oh my goodness, I just saw who shot Phil Mitchell back in 1998! I’m not sure if it was a YouTube repeat or a delayed message from my crystal ball; I’m an insomniac in the late stages of dementia, so I will go for 3-2 to the second team you said.

Newcastle United vs Swansea City

Dom: 1-1
Oh my sugary lemons, Newcastle are a club in turmoil. Six defeats on the trot at the inept hands of John Carver, an owner selling the best players and refusing to invest, fans staying away, and exaggerated attendances. The Toon might just scrape a valuable point to keep their heads above the parapet, especially if Siem De Jong returns.

Meg: 1-5
One Northern English squad, one from Wales. I see a lot of empty seats, a podgy northern man pretending to be a manager on the side-lines, and a Swansea team without a fit recognised striker notching 5 against their troubled opponents. I also see that the price of milk has risen to 66p in my local supermarket, disgusting.

Queens Park Rangers vs West Ham United

Dom: 2-0
QPR have shown signs of life in recent weeks, particularly in their 4-1 romp at West Brom, and are relying on Charlie Austin to continue his white-hot form. The Hammers have had their flip-flops on for months now, with calls for manager Sam Allardyce’s head. It’s no surprise as his team are currently rudderless, having been among the top 4 during December.

Meg: 2-2
I may sound like a lout when I say this, but come on yooooo Hammmas!!! We won the World Cup. 2-2 the prediction may be, but big Sam’s pearly street Gods will gain 52% possession. I see a 6 foot 5 inch Geordie donkey with a terrible ponytail being crocked in the stands as usual… no that can’t be right – Liverpool paid £36m and West Ham £17m for him? Damn crystal ball’s broken again.

Stoke City vs Sunderland

Adam Johnson

Dom: 2-1
The disturbing news for Sunderland is that star player and former England winger, Adam Johnson, has been charged with grooming an underage school girl for sex. Even Black Cats fans must surely condemn the player for what amounts to rape. The game itself will be played under a dark cloud, with in-form Stoke ensuring that the Mackems lurch deeper into the relegation mire.

Meg: 1-3
Disgusting scenes often perversely act as a catalyst for siege mentality, this will be the case with Sunderland. A terrible team now void of their best player, the poor relations of the North-East will smash and grab their way to victory over an impressive Stoke team, as former stable mates Peter Crouch and Jermain Defoe go head-to-head for the first time in years.

West Bromwich Albion vs Liverpool

Dom: 2-2
Liverpool’s away form is patchy to say the least. The result of this one will ultimately depend on which version of the Reds turn up to the Hawthorns. West Brom’s worrying sequence of defeats finally came to an end at Selhurst Park last weekend, with their shock win over Crystal Palace taking them to 36 points, probably just one or two short of safety.

Meg: 0-4
I see trees of green, red roses too. The red roses shall arrive for an Oscar worthy display from the travellers, who will arrive in their caravans and depart in sports cars that they stole from this most aesthetically appealing area of the Midlands. Brom have a new manager, and I predict that they will have blueprints for a new Tesco Express approved within the next 4 months.

Man City vs Aston Villa
17.30, Saturday

Dom: 2-1
City have had a peculiar and disappointing season. Their summer transfer signings have fallen flat, particularly the £32m acquisition of Mangala, a leaden footed central defender who should retire and become a WWE wrestler. Villa’s progress to the FA Cup final gave their long suffering fans something to cherish from a wretched season, and the return to form of star striker Christian Benteke will see them safe with something to spare.

Meg: 1-2
Oh what’s this? A bunch of oiks who celebrate victory as if they’ve just spent the night with Brooke Shields, and defeats by grumbling into their pillows – oh it must be an Aston Villa match! A big Belgian will score two by shrugging off an out of form Belgian defender as the away fans gush freely into their underpants, but this is between two English teams… That seems all kinds of wrong.

Everton v Manchester United
Sunday, 13.30

Dom: 1-3
Everton are on a roll; with all fears of relegation out of the way they can now focus on winning the Europa League, for which they would be rewarded with a Champions League spot. Taking a more conventional method of qualification for the elite club comp are Man United, who were very unfortunate to lose 1-0 at Stamford Bridge last time out. With Rooney, Mata and Herrera in scintillating form and Toffees minds elsewhere this has a whiff of away win.

Meg: 4-2
I am a lady of rich tastes – I drink sparkling camel milk, I wash my hair with pumpkin dust, and I predict 4-2 home wins. That is the power of Meg.

Arsenal vs Chelsea
Sunday, 16.00

Santi Cazorla

Dom: 2-1
Last weekend was  an excellent one for both sides; Chelsea all but sewed up the league by sneaking victory over Manchester United, while Arsenal qualified for the FA Cup final via an extra time success over Reading. With Alexis Sanchez back to his best Arsenal will fancy their chances of turning over the champions-elect.

Meg: 0-0
Oh deary me, horses and women? Oh gosh that’s an impressive girth – like my fourth husband or Jeremy Beadle’s special hand (bless his soul.) The game’s highlight shall be a 72 year-old mystic lady streaking across the field with her bosoms flapping in the wind like out of control beagle ears – thank you for the ticket Mr Terry, and thank you for last night!

Another good result for the home team means that Dom leapfrogs Damian Clark for a spot in the top four, with Rik Waller flaccidly drooping at the foot of the table, Kureen in the process taking an overall lead of 59-54 against guest pundits.

1. DJ Rees: 11 Points

2. Just Mike: 9

3. True Geordie: 8

4. Dom Kureen: 7.38 (average)

5. Damian Clark: 7

6. Kelvin West: 6

7. Jonathan O’Shea: 5

8. Nightshade: 5

9. Rik Waller: 3

Written by Dom Kureen

As a young rapscallion stranded on an Island, my time is split between writing, performing spoken word, wrestling alligators and delivering uplifting pep talks to hairdressers before they prune me. I meditate and wash daily when possible.