Tag Archives: uk

The Apprentice: Would you hire any of these people?

“What do men dislike the most – waxing, vegetables or cricket?” 

Just one of many dazzlingly dire quandaries proposed by The Relationship Guru, a board game painstakingly conceived by team Tenacity during week five of this year’s UK Apprentice (waxing is the correct answer for anyone who’s interested.)

One of the many questions posed by 'The Relationship Guru'
One of the many questions posed by ‘The Relationship Guru’

A record 20 candidates were included in the process this year, evidently for the sole purpose of allowing Lord Alan Sugar to give more than one person the sight of his podgy index finger during each of the initial episodes.

The sizeable roster has been chastised by sections of the show’s hardcore following, with the inevitably escalated nitwit to prodigy ratio making embryonic instalments less palatable than usual, and the most engaging participants abdicating their share of the spotlight to fame seeking comic relief.

The stereotype quota has been faithfully adhered to;

Vexatious, irksome gob shite with American accent:
TICK

Loud mouth northern pipsqueak who Sir Al sees something in: TICK

Egotistical market trader who thinks he’s Bill Gates:
TICK

Narcissistic female beautician cast as panto villain:
TICK

Asian business lady who’s ‘too nice’:
TICK

 

Fortunately, among the bevy of equal opportunity fall guys and girls there has been a dusting of discerning, manipulative contenders who have entered centre stage as cast numbers have dwindled.

The final two, Mark Wright and Bianca Miller, both have impressive CV’s and, aged 24 and 25 respectively, possess the requisite energy and acumen to utilise the £250,000 start-up fund the winner apparently receives straight from the savings pot of a 67-year old, office dwelling tycoon whose personal wealth stands at more than £700m.

On Wednesday those two remaining players were, along with three other prospective dog’s bodies, subjected to a day of interviews patently devised to create discomfort, as high flyers with well attuned bullshit detectors posed the penultimate obstacle to investment.

Claude Littner, an acerbic mainstay of this stage of the process since 2005, was swift to pounce upon some of the flakier propositions among the quintet, labelling 23 year-old Solomon Akhtar’s diagram heavy blueprint ‘a bloody disgrace’ before unceremoniously concluding the tongue lashing by ordering him to scram (a visibly shaken Akhtar then walking towards the window of the 50th floor office, before Littner intervened and directed him to the exit.)

Despite getting longer in the tooth, and with certain concepts wearing a mite thin, The Apprentice retains a place among the most popular reality TV programming in the country by virtue of being able to combine absurd scenarios and fractious characters with a serious business setting.

The US translation of the programme has a glossier inflection, with Donald Trump the suave palate cleansing sorbet to Sugar’s gritty north London pie and mash, albeit the former Tottenham Hotspur director retains an eccentric charm amid the recurring pointy, shouty boardroom showdown.

Who should win? Flip a coin and you’ll have your answer – the ultimate victor here is of course Seigneur Sucre, the sexagenarian’s profile once again given a leg up pre-Christmas period by solid viewing figures and self-edited portrayal of warm, cuddly diamond geezer replete with chic catchphrase.

Lord Alan Sugar

As has been revealed during the aftermath of past series’, the person hired on the programme isn’t always the winner when the cameras stop rolling; Sugar often taking two or more candidates under his wing for six months before determining if any of them are indispensable removed from the context of sourcing Halal chickens or negotiating 47 pence discounts on a pair of disused oven mitts.

Perhaps the most poignant query though is posed by The Relationship Guru board game once more;

Men think women should:

a). Iron
b). Smile more 
c). Always be happy.

Like Albert Einstein’s question about the meaning of life, perhaps it’s better that we never find out.

Written by Dom Kureen

As a young rapscallion stranded on an Island, my time is split between writing, performing spoken word, wrestling alligators and delivering uplifting pep talks to hairdressers before they prune me. I meditate and wash daily when possible.

Festival season: Who’s playing where this summer?

With the UK music festival season rapidly approaching, there are now more choices than ever before for the weekend raver. Dom Kureen takes a look at some of the most notable events and how they’re shaping up so far.

June

RHCP: Will bring unpredictable attire and tons of energy to the Isle of Wight Festival.
RHCP: Will bring unpredictable attire and tons of energy to the Isle of Wight Festival.


Isle of Wight Festival

Venue: Seaclose Park, Isle of Wight.
Dates: 12-15 June
Weekend camping price: £190

Headline acts
Red Hot Chili Peppers, Kings of Leon, Biffy Clyro, Calvin Harris, The Specials, Suede.

Isle of Wight Festival website

Download Festival

Venue: Donnington Park, Leicestershire.
Dates: 13-15 June
Weekend camping price: £215

Headline acts
Aerosmith, Linkin Park, Avenged Sevenfold, Fall Out Boy, Rob Zombie.

Download Festival website

Glastonbury Festival

Venue: Worthy Farm, Pilton.
Dates: 25-29 June.
Weekend camping price: £215.

Headline acts
Metallica, Arcade Fire, Kasabian, Elbow, The Black Keys, Lana Del Rey.

Glastonbury website

 July

He might be a bit of a douche sometimes, but Kanye West is an A+ headliner for Wireless.
He might be a bit of a douche sometimes, but Kanye West is a marquee headliner for Wireless.

Wireless Festival

Venue(s): Finsbury Park, London & Perry Park, Birmingham.
Dates: 4-6 July.
Weekend camping price: £170-£220

Headline acts
Kanye West, Pharell Williams, Drake, Bruno Mars, Ellie Goulding, Robin Thicke.

Wireless Festival website 

T In The Park

Venue: Balado, Kinross-shire, Scotland.
Dates: 11-13 July.
Weekend camping price: £194

Headline acts
Biffy Clyro, Ed Sheeran, Calvin Harris, Paolo Nutini, Arctic Monkeys, Pharrell Williams.

T in The Park website

Latitude

Venue: Henham Park, Suffolk.
Dates: 17-20 July.
Weekend camping price: £195.50

Headline acts
Music: Two Door Cinema Club, Damon Albarn, The Black Keys, Lykke Li.
Comedy: Dara O’Briain, Simon Amstell, Milton Jones, Al Murray.

Latitude website

Love Box

Venue: Victoria Park, London.
Dates: 18-19 July
Weekend camping price: TBA

Headline acts
Chase and Status, M.I.A, Nas, Bonobo, Woodkid, Soul II Soul.

Love Box Website

Global Gathering

Venue: Long Marston Airfield, Stratford Upon Avon.
Dates: 25-26 July
Weekend camping price: £120 +booking fee.

Headline acts
David Guetta, Prodigy, Chase and Status, Tinie Tempah, Alesso.

Global Gathering website

August

The vest of V-Fest: Justin Timberlake headlines a stellar lineup at V Festival.
The vest of V-Fest: Justin Timberlake headlines a stellar lineup at V Festival.

V Festival

Venue: Hylands Park, Chelmsford & Weston Park, Staffordshire.
Dates: 16-17 August.
Weekend camping price: £199.95.

Headline acts
Justin Timberlake, Elbow, Killers, Example, Lily Allen, Paolo Nutini.

V Festival Website

 –

Reading Festival

Venue: Richfield Avenue, Reading.
Dates: 22-24 August.
Weekend camping price: £213.

Headline acts
Queens of Stone Age, Paramore, Disclosure, Arctic Monkeys, Blink 182.

Reading Festival website

Leeds Festival

Venue: Bramham Park, Leeds.
Dates: 22-24 August.
Weekend camping price: £213.

Headline acts
Queens of Stone Age, Paramore, Disclosure, Arctic Monkeys, Blink 182.

Leeds Festival website

Creamfields

Venue: Daresbury, Cheshire.
Dates: 22-24 August.
Weekend camping price: £155 +booking fee.

Headline acts
Sub Focus, Deadmau5, Armin Van Buuren, Annie Mac, Eric Prydz, Pete Tong.

Creamfields website

September

Busta Rhymes: Bestival bound.
Busta Rhymes: Bestival bound.

Bestival

Venue: Robin Hill, Isle of Wight.
Dates: 4-7 September.
Weekend camping price: £195.

Headline acts
Busta Rhymes, Outkast, Chic feat. Nile Rodgers, Beck, Paloma Faith, Foals.

Bestival website

So there you have it, a baker’s dozen of this summer’s biggest UK music extravaganzas! Let us know in the comments if you’re planning to head to any of the gigs and who you’re looking forward to seeing.

Written by Dom Kureen

As a young rapscallion stranded on an Island, my time is split between writing, performing spoken word, wrestling alligators and delivering uplifting pep talks to hairdressers before they prune me. I meditate and wash daily when possible.