10 Irritating Facebook Traits

Facebook has enabled people to become connected at the press of a button, but has also compromised privacy, be it from prospective employers, random folk you stumbled upon in the street or that pesky Zark Muckerberg. Dom Kureen pinpoints ten irksome traits of the social media Mecca.

Facebook logo 2

1. Adults whose profile picture is of them as a child

Chatting to people online can be awkward (do they really laugh out loud when they write ‘lol’?) To garnish that with an image of yourself as a child in a diaper adds to the weirdness, making it difficult for the other person not to feel like they’re ostensibly chatting to a child, as well as extending a misery-fuelled ode for squandered youth.

2. Couples with a joint account

Inbred Couple

Morphing into one person might be sweet ‘n’ all for ‘Darrellucy’, unfortunately though, despite most people quite liking Lucy, they think Darrell’s a bit of a twerp, and have been forced to ‘friend’ him against their will. It takes the notion of couples eventually looking like each other and expands it to mortifying extremes.

3. Facebook Fads

“Look at me, I dumped a bucket of water over my head!” For charity? No, for the glorification of your own ego, ya blaady bastard. Whether it’s posting your first FB pic or some acknowledgement of an invented day (“sister’s day, post this if you love your sister”), they develop into glorified chain letters when inevitably losing sight of the original context.

4. Ambiguous status updates

We’ve all seen the “I can’t believe this happened to me” type status, followed by a string of sympathetic, inquisitive ripostes, only for the original poster to hang on until sufficient validation is gained before they PM a bunch of well-wishers to explain that they misplaced their bottle of Pepsi Max – you know who you are!

5. The most repetitive diaries ever

Fucking bored illustration

Some people keep Facebook as a form of journal, with the daily routine plastered all over everyone’s homepage (until they inevitably get hidden by the majority.) Sharing such witty anecdotes as what they had for breakfast, the bed being warm and the dilemma of deciding which hairstyle to plump for a week on Tuesday.

6. “2015 will be my year!!!!!”

Common are those who espouse about their future brilliance, only to slump back into the previous routine after a few days of proclamations. Who are they trying to convince? In the words of a famous sports brand: Just Do It!

7. The same damn pose

Tiger Leopard

One pose fits all, with the collective authenticity of surgical experiment Nicki Minaj guest speaking against entitlement. Be it funeral, party or selfie, these people can always be relied upon to pull out an identical facial angle and expression.

8. The demise of birthday cards

Facebook Birthday Card

It was once a delight to pick up 25 birthday cards on your anniversary, glance over the words, display them for a day or two and then sling the lot in the bin, safe in the knowledge that you were still popular. Now? 50 virtually identical messages plastered onto your Facebook account by unimaginative berks.

9. Misleading video titles

Weekly World News

“You won’t believe what she does next!…” AKA: We can’t believe you’re still gullible enough to open these links, with their several attached pop-ups and hyperbole crammed preface leading to oodles of anti-climax.

10. Tailored adverts

To this day I still don’t believe that Maggie, 22, from the Isle of Wight, wants to meet me. For a start she looks an awful lot like Belinda, 23 from Gosport and Sandy, 29 from Antwerp – all of whom continuously popped up in my sidebar until my single status was removed.

Did we miss anything? Should we really be resorting to countdown lists? Let us know in the comment section below!



Written by Dom Kureen

As a young rapscallion stranded on an Island, my time is split between writing, performing spoken word, wrestling alligators and delivering uplifting pep talks to hairdressers before they prune me. I meditate and wash daily when possible.

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