Cowes Mylk

In my time as a journalist I’ve uncovered many stories which have stirred my innards, but perhaps none as likely to divide opinion as that which I share on this page today.

Cowes Mylk

There have been myriad ambitious projects in recent years on the Isle of Wight; 24 hour Tesco Express, Dappy from N-Dubs being booked at the Isle of Wight Festival, and a £7m floating bridge that seems determined to sink.

2019 sees the Island set for its latest offering from the entrepreneurial conveyor belt in the form of ‘Cowes Mylk’. Yes, you read that correctly, not cow’s milk as in the lactation from the teat of a bovine, rather a different form of milk produced, manufactured and bottled in the town of West Cowes.

There is a twist; the milk produced will excrete from the anatomy of female human beings, of whom more than 20 have already signed up to take part, with the caveat of a generous hourly rate and flexible hours offered to those deemed suitable for the position.

The initiative has been hailed as a triumph by company founder Jill Patrick, who predicts that Cowes Mylk will be on local store shelves by late 2019, with the target of getting into duty free stores and larger chains by 2021.

“We were never designed to drink the pus filled discharge of another animal, particularly one which has its calves unceremoniously and traumatically ripped from it at the point of giving birth.


“This is a humane and entirely ethical process, in which all of the participants consent fully to supply our demands, whilst also being amply compensated for their contributions.”

The first blueprints for the concept have not been met with Island wide approval however, with one resident I spoke to labelling it as “from the mind of psychopaths and lunatics” and another suggesting that “I had cows milk as a child and I drink it every day, mother’s milk is for babies, not grown adults despite what the vegan lefties might say.”

Nevertheless, Ms Patrick, a successful estate agent who lists tennis, gully ball and yoga as some of her many hobbies, fully intends to move forward with her plans despite the inevitable controversy;

“This is about more than money, this is about returning to nature – why should we drink the milk of another species and reject that of our own?”

As with any new company of this nature, there are a slew of licensing parameters that may yet pose a threat, although barring anything unforeseen Cowes Mylk will offer yet another exciting new venture local to the Isle of Wight. If nothing else, the knowledge of such innovation on our own shores should provide comfort for the dissenting voices.



Written by Dom Kureen

As a young rapscallion stranded on an Island, my time is split between writing, performing spoken word, wrestling alligators and delivering uplifting pep talks to hairdressers before they prune me. I meditate and wash daily when possible.

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